Tales from the Porn Store ?? :: Screeched

(I wrote most of this a while back, I didn't want to post it though until I could actually see the Screeched DVD)

A few days ago some friends and I where hanging out and making fun of child TV stars. The one's in particular we where talking about where those gimmicky, typecast, acting parts, that ruin any future chances of ever being taken seriously as a legitimate actor. I think they might be called the "Breakout Character". Horshack, Urkel, and Screech topped the list during the conversation.

I had once watched some documentary on former child stars and they had this piece on the guy who played Arnold Horshack. Apparently he had a major breakdown or something to that effect once Welcome Back Carter ended and he could not get any serious work as an actor. He even had plastic surgery and I think speech lessons in hopes of improving his chances.

Eventually the topic of Screech came up. My one friend told us about a porn with Dustin Diamond (Screech) in it & I didn't believe him. My logic was who was going to pay money for that ??? Well sure enough when I came in to work today, there it was, the newest Red Light District title, SCREECHED. Starring Dustin "Dirty Sanchez" Diamond (AKA Screech).

Wow, so I was really wrong about this one. Red Light District is the company who also released the Paris Hilton, Chyna, & Tom Sizemore DVD' s, & to make this DVD even weirder there is a Dirty Sanchez Scratch and sniff sticker on the front of the box ... What the Fuck ???

Dustin Diamond might be the coolest mother fucker on the planet, but who wants to jerk off while watching Screech, from Saved by the Bell, gettin' it on ??? (apparently a lot more people than I would have ever imagined)

* * *

OK, to be fair I thought that after talking shit about it, I should at least watch and give a review on SCREECHED.

Tales from the Porn Store ::
This one dude who came in today was such a pain in the ass. He had a pair of those thick plastic rimmed glasses that all the hipster indy rock assholes that don't even need glasses are wearing these days to be ironic and nerdy, except for his wear blue. This in and of itself was pretty funny because his glasses looked like sunglasses for little kids. So before he said a word I had already figured him for being a total douchebag. He turned out to be one of those guys who has to constantly be talking at all times. So he would just keep asking one dumb question after another. So, as I try to answer one dumb question, he starts asking me another dumb question midway through my answer, cutting me off and not paying attention to anything that i was saying. This is one of those things that would piss off anyone but it comes with the territory of "customer service". So I stop answering his questions and then he stops and stares at me waiting for me to answer the question he just asked. I told him that I was not going to answering any more of questions since he kept interrupting me. So he goes away pics out some movies buys then and leaves.

Tales from the Porn Store ::

This crazy old lady came in today.

she walked around the store talking to her self. she picked up every video box and brought it up and asked me questions about it.

the lady was dressed normal and looked clean so my first initial reaction was not a crackhead baglady.

60's 70's

Tales from the Porn Store :: ??

This is based on my own personal observations, but I have been wondering. why do all couples (that I have ever seen) act exactly the same way when they go into a porn store ???

First off the guy usually tries to act innocent like he has never seen porn before even though he comes in about 15 times a week. He walks around behind the girl as she giggles loudly and acts like she is 13. Without fail the girl is always drawn to the tranny section. She forces the dude to look at every dvd box while being so loud that all i can think about is hitting her in the face with a cinder block until she goes silent.

Tales from the Porn Store ?? :: Mr. Brownstone

Porn, the new Heroin

Beanie, sunglasses, collar up disguise douchebag

Tales from the Porn Store ?? :: Ruby the Transsexual Midget

Gokkun, Blinking Leds, & ... Ruby

The porn industry is exactly like any other business. Each company is always trying to get a step ahead of its competitors. Between the girls, the latest trends, and the newest gimmicks, everyone is just trying to out do each other.

My favorite part of this, is all of the gimmicky stuff. The stuff that hasn't been done before. So now that Bukkake is fairly mainstream we started getting in Gokkun DVD's. Bukkake I believe means "splash", and Gokkun means "gulp". W

A few weeks ago I saw a video on the Internet of a couple having sex and just as the guy is about to finish, he ejaculates onto a CD case & the girl grabs a straw & snorts it up. My one friend was telling me about some video he saw where this girl shoots a bear & then her and the guy she was hunting with go up to the bear and have sex on the bear.

So far today had been very laid back. I am watching the Unforgiven again, this will be the third time this week I have watched it. That movie is just unbelievable. It is one of those movies that every time I watch it, it causes me to have a lot of deep reflections ... so where better to watch it then at the porn store right. It is pretty sweet to get all wrapped up in a very intense part of the movie, to then hit pause and ring up a customer. Today is pretty special in that tomorrow is a holiday and store is closed. Most of the regulars will come in today and

These two guys came in today. I had previously made reference to them, as reminding me of characters from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They have been in a few times and are actually some of the nicer customers to come in. Since they always reminded me of TCM, I always thought about how they must be cannibals and stuff like that, but today something really crazy dawned on me ... a grandfather and a grandson, hanging out and getting porn together, that is pretty insane. I am not positive that is the case in their relations, but if you saw them you would most likely come to the same conclusion.

(extra day ...)

Myspace Deleted The Bitchslicer Profile

Well, after 2 plus years, 53,000 friends, 139,000 plays, and a blog that was getting about 1,000 hits a day Myspace felt threatend by Bitchslicer and deleted our account. That is a totally beleivable explanation.

But seriously, Myspace deleted the Bitchslicer account last week. I am not completely sure why they deleted it, as I recieved no message or notice. Here are some of some theories as to why this might have happened.

This one is the most obvious reason for the account to get deleted. When I first started this account over 2 years ago, I put up the original artwork for two Bitchslicer albums. For almost two years there was no problems, but a few months ago one of the two images was deleted, and I was sent an e-mail form myspace. I had assumed that if they had found the other image offensive they would have deleted it at the same time. So it is possible that other image was the reason for the account being deleted.

Another possible reason may have been the CD covers on the MP3 player, or the CD covers with the paypal buttons for purchasing the CD's. It might also have been the blogs I have been posting. The blogs I posted, though pornographic in subject matter, where not pornographic in content.

So for this new profile, I will attempt to keep all of the images tamed down. I will continue posting blogs as before and hopfully that will not be a problem in the future. If this profile disappears then we will no for sure.

What I do not understand about Myspace is this ... when you post Images, and MP3's you have to wait for approval. So every image up has been approved so there should be no problems with what actually goes up then. Now the reality is mopre likely that they do not have enough resources to screen everything, that is a resonable expectation. But then why have the waiting period at all then, if it is totally worthless just skip it.

Tales from the Porn Store 20 ::

rough draft on computer at home

Tales from the Porn Store 19 ::
Return of the Super Freak !!!

OK ... Picture a 100 pound, 5'2", 30 something black man, with a full beard, wearing a long blonde haired wig, makeup, and women's clothes. This guy has not been in for a while but today he made his return. It kind of amazes me that this guy is still around. He will come in, walk right up to you, and ask you about your genitals, or if the other guy in the store is your lover, stupid shit like that.

Normally I can barely stop laughing long enough to tell him to leave the store. I am being a little vague as far as things that this guy has actually said, but let me put it to you this way, he is very unrestrained. I would imagine that most people would end up hospitalizing this guy over this kind of behavior, rather that finding humor it.

One time after kicking him out of the store I said "take it easy man" as he was about to walk out the door. He stopped and turned around. He gave me a really nasty look, and then in a huffy, pissed off voice he said, "I'm a Lady". I am not sure if he just does this stuff to mess with people, if he has legitimate mental health issues, or both perhaps, but he is harmless. He comes in, creeps you out, and then leaves when you tell him to get out.

I did think of something puzzling as I was writing this. This guy has been in a bunch of times and has never once attempted to look at the porn. I wonder if that is because he just comes in to mess with us, or because even though he does want to look at porn, his urge to mess with us is to overwhelms him an he ends up getting kicked out before he gets a chance to look at porn.

He is one of the downtown crazies that make the city a lot more interesting. Imagine all the tourists that come to Philly with their kids to see the liberty bell and eat cheese steaks. As they walk around downtown seeing the sites, this guy is out there waiting to ask them about their genitals.

alien - werewolf - vampire - zombie - killer - hooker - cult - demon - ghost - gang
axe - hammer - machete - saw - chainsaw -
alien vampires - drink blood - live in abandoned buildings
chemically altered heroin - build an army of zombies - white wolf heroin
Mad Dog and the Love of a Life Time

wolfs that turn into japansese school girls

The alley ways and abandoned buildings where filled with what appeared to be homeless people, but in reality they where mostly the zombie servants of the [GREYSFANG]. The [GREYSFANG] where a race of alien vampires. They

Skull the Mother Fucker

No one knows for sure where he came from. Some people believe that he is not of this earth.

It was almost 3 AM when she unlocked the door to her apartment. She was so drunk that she could barely walk straight. She walked in and went right through the living room into the kitchen without turing the lights on. When she walked into the kitchen she turned on a small kitchen light. She had no idea that I was standing there in the dark, waiting for her as she walked right past me. I patiently watched her as she casually fixed herself a sandwhich. She grabbed the sandwhich and a bottle of water, turned off the kitchen light, and walked into her bed room. She sat the food down on a small table, turned on a television, and began to undress.

I had planned on cracking her skull with a hammer, but then i saw a bottle of Jim Beam Black sitting on the table next to her food. I figured that sooner or later she would have to use the bathroom and that is when I would make my move. So after finishing her sandwhich and a nightcap, she stood up and walked into the bathroom. She did not shut the bath room door, but she did turn on the shower.

She took off her make up, removed her bra and panties, and then got into the shower. She was in the shower for a little while and then she got out and dried off. As she walked back into her room I hit her over the back of the head with the Jim Beam Black bottle, knocking her unconcious.

While she was out I put some duct tape over her mouth, tied her hands behind her back, and then tied her arms against her body. I cleared off the clothes rack in her closet, and hung her upside down by her feet from it.